I actually don't feel like writing.. cause my senses have become inactive all of a sudden. but in a way to stabilize my emotion, I do really need to write, anything that comes across my mind. maybe I've turned on 'hibernate mode' since a few days ago and up till now, I'm still trying to figure it out on how to turn the 'switch' off. it's empty. my soul.
it feels so bad when everything doesn't seem right and all you wanna do is sleep all day long in your room without no one comes to bother. sleep. yeah. the only way to escape from ths pathetic life. sometimes I wonder why God chose me to live 'cause I'm a sinner. I do sins. a lot. I don't even deserve to live. yeah, it's undeniable that everyone makes mistakes. only our Prophet Muhammad was 'maksum'. yet, I really can't bear this kind of feeling when you wake up every morning and hope you won't disappoint anyone for the whole day, but at the end of the day, you make someone feels bad or sad or maybe mad. yeah. I blame on myself for acting childishly and stupid. to be honest, I never meant it to be that way. I never meant to hurt anyone's feelings. I feel bad. really bad.
I hate myself for letting me down. to be happy, I need to choose between sadness or happiness. I can simply put aside things that bother my mind and cherish each moment with my loved ones and be happy. just, be happy. but it won't as easy as I thought. when you keep all your worries to yourself and you insist not to share with anyone and when someone suddenly smacks on your head, you know you've reached the limit. you feel like screaming on top of the mountain and cry and cry and cry. you've been holding on for too long, pretending you're strong.
when it comes to relationship; friendship/family/love, I never expect to live in such a perfect relationship. I hate asking for somethg that might hurt them. but please, doesn't mean when I always fake a smile in front of you, you guys can simply say what you wanna say and treat me like a piece of trash. cause once I've started to care, I swear I really do. to make my parents proud, that's all I wish for until my last breath. to be a good friend to everyone, to try to be there when they need me, to treat them equally, I hope I could. but I'm just a natural human being.. the only one who's being fair to everyone is Him. only Him. and I apologize for hurting you guys. I realize that ppl come and go. you go to a new place, you make a lot of new friends, you guys get closer then you abandon and ditch ones who used to be there for you. please. let's just keep our friendship alive.
'if you truly love her, then find time for her eventhough how busy you are. they're so many guys out there who're willing to be with here when she needs someone.' I can't argue more on ths statement. it's true. yeah, I know we've grown up. we can stand on our own feet. we can live without depending on anyone. but somehow, all you need is someone who cares, someone who'll say, 'im here for you. don't be afraid', someone who'll give you a virtual hug when you cry, someone who'll always feel excited to see you even it's just for a second, someone who knows how to manage time well without distracting his/her studies, someone who wants to listen to your voice when s/he misses you, someone who shows his/her effort just to prove how in love s/he is... it's just... if you don't wanna get into serious commitment, then don't even try to start a relationship at the first place. I'll be okay if you put Allah and Islam at the top of the list. but I hate it so much if someone seems to put me on the bottom. I don't deserve this. I love you so much but it hurts so bad till giving up is the only option I'd to take.
to be born as a sensitive and soft hearted girl somehow makes me hate myself. I let ppl hurt me instead of protecting my heart. if only ppl will be more aware of others' feelings, we'll be living peacefully. no tears, no heart breaks. there's nothing wrong if I keep on hoping, isn't?