maybe the fate had written that I would always be the main role for their backup plans, which up till now, I really don't even know how to heal that darkest, ugliest spot that buried deep down in my heart. I tend to say, 'yeahh, I forgive you', but that painful feeling is still there, after all. the more I desperately try to erase those bad parts, the harder it gets for me to bear.
but suddenly, it comes to my realization that I shouldn't simply blame on fate, cause every consequence that I had faced came from my actions. and here 'shouldn't do and shouldn't be' lists gooooo at the back of my mind. it's fregginly pathetic when I have to convince myself over and over agaain that 'there's no such thing called regret in my life', yet at the end of the day, I'll always stuck with the same idea, 'serve you right. you shouldn't fall too hard and bla bla bla.'
pretty face doesn't guarantee a pretty wonderful relationship. I've found it funny when some of my friends said, 'you're pretty.. that's his greatest loss for dumping you.' maybe they were just trying to be nice in a way to make me feel better (which it didn't work out for me and I felt even worse, to be honest). when ppl say, pretty face doesn't ensure a pretty heart, for me, it means that nobody's perfect and nobody's gonna reach our expectation, which highlights, that even someone whom superbly flawless at the outside has internal flaws too. and to point the finger towards someone else, just because we try to make us feel less guilty, it would be unfair.. that's the reason why I lowered down my ego and accepted their apology, cause I believe, every single thg that I took part in it, there would be my mistakes too.
furthermore, I always believe in 'what we give, we get back'. I used to make fun of someone's heart a long time ago, which resulted a heartbreak, of course. and yeah, Allah straight away payed back to me during the time I didn't expect the most. see. the moment when we think the world is in our hands as we still hv so many ppl who love us unconditionally, yet it turns out that 'lovey dovey' feeling to fade away. Allah is the one who holds our heart.. and He knows best. if s/he's not the right one for you, inshaaAllah He'll replace with a better one. it always does, cause whenever I lost someone, I would get someone so much better in return.
it feels good knowing that I'm free now. no commitment, less sins (inshaaAllah) cause seriously, living life with someone whom not halal for us does feel good, yet that feeling stays only for temporary. I've lost interest towards any serious relationship currently, and I'm looking forward for a blissful one that brings me towards marriage, inshaaAllah. yet still, I be friends with everyone (with limits) until I tie the knot with my future husband.. as for now, I pray to Allah to close my heart, secure it until the right person comes. falling in and out of love is tiring... and I cannot fall again. because it's freggin hard to rise back and chin up.
and for you, my dear and whoever you are that currently having a heartbreak,
bear in mind, sayang that Allah is actually saving you from what He doesn't want His slaves to do. when you do somethg that Allah dislikes, He will straight away repay back and punish you in this life or in the Hereafter. save the best for last. save the best for the one who deserves. don't waste a tear for someone who doesn't care, who doesn't treat you right, 'cause we're special. every Hawa is special in their own way and don't ever think that your life is worthless just because someone left you. and sayaaaang, remember that Allah loves us so much and He protects us without us realising. keep praying. someday, you're gonna find someone who's gonna put you first after Allah and Rasulullah. he's gonna love you and guide you to Jannah, inshaaAllah. and that would be the purest and truest relationship you could ever have. ameen.